One of my goal’s in life is to get to sit in The Graham Norton Show’s famous red chair and tell a hilarious story without being tipped over in the middle of it. I know it’s unlikely but you need big dreams, don’t you?
(For those of you unfamiliar with the red chair, it’s a chair where some members of the show’s audience get to tell a story. If Graham and his guests like the story, the person gets to finish it. If they don’t like it, they pull a handle to tip the chair over.)
My dream almost came true a few weeks ago when Lena and I finally got tickets to see the show. I hadn’t applied for the red chair because we got the tickets on a short notice. However, I got to make my pitch as we were queueing for the show and a woman walked past us asking if people had any funny stories for the chair.
Lena and I immediately called at the woman, who we assume was a production assistant, to hear my story. When I told it to her, she listened carefully, took a pause, and said eventually: “That’s awful!” It’s one thing to be tipped over in the chair, but quite another to be rejected even before you sit in it.
For my story to get the audience it deserves, I share it here. Do you think it’s too much for national television?
“It was just another night out with the ladies. We had first had a lovely dinner at a hip tapas place in Soho. We had a few bottles of wine (each), and felt like going for another few glasses (bottles) in our favourite Soho gay club.
“So we did. There was some dancing, and eventually my top went off. I had the time of my life! But then something happened. I didn’t feel well, which wasn’t completely unheard of on a night like this, but this time it was different. I wasn’t able to stand up, let alone take myself home.
“I had had pretty much the same amount of drinks as my friends (one of which is the size of a Russian ballerina), so we soon realised my drink had probably been spiked. The ladies took me to the ballerina’s place and looked after me. This goes to show that you should only get drunk in the presence of good friends.
“When I woke up in the morning, I felt grateful. Not only had I good friends but I had an admirer. I couldn’t believe that someone would like me enough to drug me! The perpetrator thought I was spike-worthy. It must have been one of the most romantic things anyone had ever done to me.
(At this point the production assistant was looking at us in shock.)
“So you can imagine my disappointment when the ladies elaborated the night’s events. It turned out that right before I got unwell, I had brought us drinks. “Look what I found!” I had told them.
“I had taken somebody else’s drink which had been spiked. It wasn’t me that was supposed to have the drink, it was someone probably younger and cuter.”